Grief

One of the greatest author's of all time dedicated an entire book to grief. In the book, "A Grief Observed", C.S. Lewis shares his journey through grief in losing his wife. He explores his pain and faith through dark hours.  It should be noted that the title "A Grief Observed" speaks of his grief. The article 'A' shows that this grief belongs to one person, shows one man's experience. Lewis knew that all people travel through grief in a manner that is unique to them.

Recently, I have seen several meme's and Facebook posts that state a deep truth. But it is a truth that must be explored. It goes something like this: "If you lose a spouse you become a widow. If you lose a parent you become an orphan. But there is no word to describe a parent that loses their child. That is because this pain is too deep for one word."

Over the last few years I have watched as parents have lost their children and I see the truth of these words. However, I have seen the truth that each grief is personal, deep, and life changing. Each grief gives others a glimpse of a person's true self.

Lewis wrote “God has not been trying an experiment on my faith or love in order to find out their quality. He knew it already. It was I who didn't. In this trial He makes us occupy the dock, the witness box, and the bench all at once. He always knew that my temple was a house of cards. His only way of making me realize the fact was to knock it down.”

Boy, has He knocked down some houses. Two women come to mind when I think of the house of cards falling. Older women, women with years of "faith". Their card houses fell and each has shown their true self. One has wallowed in the experience, used it as an excuse to abuse herself and those who love her. The  other has turned her back on those who love her and sought pleasure for herself to cover the pain.

Another thought of Lewis is this: “My idea of God is not a divine idea. It has to be shattered time after time. He shatters it Himself.”

I watched this past year as He shattered the ideas two young couples have of Him. But I have seen their faith strengthened and their eyes set more fully on Him. Each couple has sought to glorify God in their suffering and grief. Do they cry out in anger and pain over their loss? Without a doubt!! Do they ask Why? Nearly every day!! Do they have moments when all they can do is breathe in and out? Yes!! Are their hearts broken? To bits !!

But in every moment they turn their eyes to God because they know their help and comfort will come from Him alone.  They stretch out their hands and say, "though He slay me, still I trust Him." More amazingly these men and women of faith, point others to Him and declare His goodness and His righteousness to the world. While their child is breathing their last breathes, they pray with other parents for healing of another child. Moments when personal memories are made are shared worldwide to build the faith of others.


“I thought I could describe a state; make a map of sorrow. Sorrow, however, turns out to be not a state but a process.”-Lewis.

So, yes the pain is deep and like no other. But it is a process that must be worked through. Will the pain go away? Never!! Will they move on and forget? Absolutely not!! They will lean hard on God's arm and move through this dark valley of death. God will lead them to green pastures and give them rest and comfort in the land of the dying. And one day, when they walk on streets of gold holding their child once again in their arms, God will bring before them all those souls that learned of God's grace through their grief. They will enter the land of the living (eternally living) and see the product of their struggle and pain in the eyes of many who turned to God because of their journey through grief.

PS (added) When we speak of losing a child or loved one, it almost seems like we have misplaced them. There has to be a better way to describe the way they are ripped from us. Lewis described it in this manner: “The death of a beloved is an amputation.”

Why, God?

This question haunts me. It taunts me. It holds me captive and will not let go. Why, God? 

Blake, sensitive soul that he is, saw my crying over the negative report Amey and Nathan heard (I refuse to say received) about Phoebe and he asked what's wrong. 

What's wrong?!?  I silently scream, "It's all wrong." 

He cries with me, holding me tight, for a child he has never met. Then comes the question that every parent fears. Why can't God fix it? 

My answer is the usual. It's part of life in a fallen world. Adam and Eve, sin, sickness, death, etc. But he doesn't understand why God can't or won't fix it. 

My answer seems so shallow, so rehearsed, so empty. He doesn't buy it, but he lets it go. 

Now, my heart is crying and the same question is there. Why can't you fix it, God? 

I know You can. Why don't You? You have the power to obliterate those tumors. With a thought they could be gone. With Your breath the pain, the side effects, the whole thing could disappear. She could be made whole, renewed, restored. She could live and fulfill her destiny, be that little pistol we all know she is and set the world on fire. 

This is not doubt from me, it is a lack of understanding. And don't tell me, "we will know better in heaven." I want to know now. Show me GOD what purpose this serves. Show me the master plan. Show me how this makes sense, how it will all works out.

Cause I don't get it. 

So, I am calling You on it. This isn't a fleece or a testing of You. I know You. I know what You are capable of. I have seen You work. Prove me right. Show the world who You are.

I dare You! 

Blow the roof off this place. Take us to the brink. Shake us to the core. We will climb the mountain to offer up what You have asked. But I know You got a ram caught in the bushes. You have a miracle on its way. 

I'll take an Elijah. I'll take an Elisha. I'll take a Jesus on a crowded street. I'll take a Peter by the beautiful gate. I'll take a healing. I'll take a resurrection. 

But this "sin of a fallen world" mess ain't going to fly. 

So, You do You! I'll stand by egging You on. 

Come on GOD!! Show up and show out.  

Typing in Tongues...

I wonder if one can type in tongues. (Now don't go getting all religious minded on me). It's just a thought!! As I sit here listening to Miracle Maker by Kim Walker Smith, feeling the need to write but having no words for what I am feeling, I wonder if one can type in tongues. 

Guess I'll sit and let Holy Spirit do His work, maybe the words will come....

This is me right now. My heart is catching fire. I feel a stirring up in my spirit. The time for silence has ended, it is time to set the world ablaze.  "Even so the tongue is a little member, and boasts great things. Behold, how great a matter a little fire kindles! (James 3:5 KJV)   Now, I know all of my SOTB friends are screaming "that verse doesn't mean a good fire," but stay with me for a few. 

The tongue holds the power to spark a great fire, and more often than not that spark is spoken in hatred, anger, bitterness, deceit, in a way meant to divide. But what if we harness that beast and make it work to set the world on fire for God. What if we speak love, forgiveness, healing, truth, and in a way meant to bring together. 

Could we become like Katniss? Could we start a revolution that changes the world? Could we topple tyrants? Could we change the outcome? Just by choosing to speak life to everyone we meet.

To borrow a phrase from President Obama, "Yes, we can!" 

As light in a dark world, we are called to speak truth and love to those around us. No one person is perfect and can hold others to a standard, only God can. And last time I checked, I am not HIM!! (Hang on a second... yep, still no Him.) But we can lead others to the Standard of Christ by our words and our deeds. We will have to radically change our speech, our attitudes, our reactions, but we can bring a true revolution to this world, one word of love and hope at a time. We have to for the next generation.  

For these two

 and these three 

 and this group

Today, on his tv program, Glenn Beck delivered this message and it struck my heart.

http://www.theblaze.com/stories/2013/06/10/glenn-beck-delivers-moving-and-tearful-monologue-without-saying-a-single-word/ 

What if today were the last day you could speak? What would you say? 

My desire is that with my very last sound, my very last breath, I lift up Jesus. He said "And I, if I be lifted up from the earth, will draw all men unto me." (John 12:32 KJV)

Summer Time

This is the first summer I have had 'off' in years. Off being a loosely used term. While I do not have a traditional job this summer, I am working to find a job closer to home. And as we all know, looking for a job is a job in itself. So, I find my self worrying about it all the time, which means I am not enjoying this first summer.

 Then my other "job" rears its ugly head, coursework. While I am SUPER excited to almost be finished with my MAT, it strikes me that every summer for the past 4 years I have had schoolwork. When we have had the time or money for vacation I have spent most of the vacation tethered to a borrowed laptop and stressing about getting my work turned in on time.

This year I have decided not to stress and to take some time with my boys. If that means late nights of studying while they sleep, then so be it. Today, I was freaking out about getting home to do school work, when I looked over and saw Blake's face. I thought to myself, "I am not going to miss the chance to be with him." So,we went to the movies and then grabbed some Starbucks.

Tonight, I was working on school stuff, cooking supper, washing dishes, and instructing the 11 year old Blake on how to correctly fold the towels, when Ed walks in with a present for me. (Here it must be noted that in 4 and a half years of being together I can count on one hand the presents he has bought me. He just isn't that kind of guy. He'll give me money and tell me to get what I want but does really surprise me with gifts.)

So imagine my surprise when he walks in with a big goofy grin and some great speech and hands me an iPad. I almost cried! Not because I loved the iPad so much, but because he thought about me and my needs and wants. With absolutely no prodding or well placed hinting (ladies you know what I mean), he went out and picked out something for me to help me with school work on vacation and to enjoy.

I always say "can't find a better man" and I truly mean it.

I am going to enjoy the mess out of this summer.

Bell's Palsy and other trials

Matthew 19:26

 Jesus looked at them and said, “With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible.”

 

In July, just two days after returning from vacation, I developed a lovely little case of Bell's Palsy. Honest to God, I thought I was having a stroke. But the good DR informed me that "it's just Bell's Palsy." I was given a steroid and some antivirals to take for a week and told that it would clear up some time in the next two weeks to 3 month. In the meantime, I can't speak clearly, when I laugh I look like Two-Face from the Batman comic and - that worst of all- I have to drink my coffee through a straw.

 

In late August I finally found a teaching position. I drive 60 miles one way to work everyday. The school is in a small town that according to the local newspaper is dying. It's a low income predominately minority school. The kids are undisciplined and used to being spanked at home and school regularly. Most of my 1st grade students cannot read and with the new Value Added laws taking effect this year, I am starting out behind the eight-ball. (Yes Ed!! I know what that means.)

 

Blake has been having serious tummy issues since late January, to the point that he can't eat for days and is in tears. With the family history, we (mainly Ed) pitched a fit until our local Medicaid doctor gave us a referral to a gastro specialist. Blake goes this week for a scope and biopsy to check for an inflammatory bowel disease. They are thinking Crohn's disease.

 

I am not only teaching full time but also enrolled in a full time Master's program at ULM ( yep, the one that beat Arkansas). There are monthly seminars, weekly assignments, and projects due throughout. There is never time to do anything that needs to be done, as I leave for work at 5:30 am and do not return some nights until 7:00.

 

And I am supposed reduce the stress in my life to help clear up the Bell's Palsy!!!!

 

But I am reminded of a little diddy sung by Mr. Bing Crosby:

 

"You've got to accentuate the positive
Eliminate the negative
And latch on to the affirmative
Don't mess with Mister In-Between

You've got to spread joy up to the maximum
Bring gloom down to the minimum
Have faith or pandemonium's
Liable to walk upon the scene

To illustrate my last remark
Jonah in the whale, Noah in the ark
What did they do just when everything looked so dark?

You've got to accentuate the positive
Eliminate the negative
And latch on to the affirmative
Don't mess with Mister In-Between"

So the positives
1. My God is greater than Bell's Palsy and is going to heal me in His time.
2. I have a job doing what I love
3. I love the people I work with and for
4. The students are helping me to become more compassionate.
5. Blake is beautiful and amazing
6. His gastro specialist is great and really puts Ed's mind and heart at ease.
7. Next week we will have our answer and know what we are fighting and how to fight.
8. I am getting my Master's so that I can provide the very education for my students
9. I will be able to have holiday's with Blake again.
10. I am NOT dead!! I live to serve the Lord another day

So, while the trials we are going through seem to be many this I know God is working it for my good and I will make it through by HIS grace and mercy and love.

Stella

I once had a close friend named Stella. She was awesome! No matter what time you showed up at her home (announced or unannounced) you were welcomed in with open arms and usually a warm cup of coffee. I met her while I was serving at Youth With A Mission and she was a great blessing to me. Time and distance and life in general have seperated us. However I still think of her often and wish to be on her couch getting love and advice from her and her husband.

In late 2004, I moved into my own home and needed a companion, being as I am a social creature and don't like being completely alone. Around Christmas, I saw a flyer for free puppies. Mixed breed, Cocker Spaniel and Jack Russell Terrier. I went to pick one out and fell in love the instant I saw her. I named her Stella because I always wanted to feel that welcoming spirit when coming home.

Stella, the dog, has been a faithful friend for all these years. When I come home she wags her tail and barks with excitement. Right now, she is sitting at my feet keeping watch over me. I have trained her so well. She knows "sit", "stay", "outside", and "on your mat."  Until she met her new best friend, Ed, she understood that dogs do not get on the furniture. I am now having to re-train her. (thanks ED)

She may not be the prettiest dog, but she is mine. I love my Stella Bella!!

The Story...

"I'd like to look in the mirror without hiding my eyes...
I'd like to see what You see, Why You think I am qualified..."

As you may know by now, music speaks to me more than anything. Right now I am consuming the CD "Music Inspired by The Story." For those of you who have no clue, The Story is a book that simply put is... the story of the Bible, God's great love affair with humanity. 31 Chapters of the stories from the beginning to the end of the Bible.

While I haven't read the book, I was introduced to the music and videos inspired by the book at a women's retreat a few weeks back. And wow!! Before we even left the seminar, I had already bought the songs from iTunes. Since that time, well let's just say Blake knows the word to all the songs.

Which brings me to the above lyrics. It is from the song inspired by the story of Moses and points to all the things that are wrong with him that keep him from doing God's will. But he turns back to the thought that it must be God within him that makes him able to forge ahead in the journey and it must be God that is the good within him to complete the task set before him.

Lately, I have struggled with the idea of not being good enough for my assignment. I wondered if I am not doing a good job or if in some way I am falling short. Sometimes I feel as though people are watching my every move, standing ready to swoop in and take them away. You'd think that by now I would be used to it and comfortable in my role. But daily I wonder if I am doing things the right way.

But then I remember that it is in God's hands. He brought us together and He must see something I don't see in me. He knows the truth and He sees my heart. Our lives are His to hold and mold. I must remember to rely on Him for the strength and grace and understanding they need.

So no matter how others look at us or what they think and say, it is God's back up plan and we are working it out. Sure it isn't what most would have expected or wanted, but it's ours and it's what God has for has now.


On to other things...

My friends Nathan and Amey Fair are some of the best people I know. Their 2 year old daughter was diagnosed with a rare form of brain cancer in January. Amey (the more vocal and writing prone of the two) has started a blog to tell of their family's journey through this battle. She is an amazing woman of God, helpmate to a man of God that few can compare to. 

Her blog entries are always inspiring as she shares the roller coaster that is their lives. She maintains a firm grip on the fact that God has it all in His hands. Daily she shares how some trial of the day has reaffirmed or taught her some truth of relationship with God. As I listen to my new CD, the song about Job reminds me of them.

"You were the one who filled my cup...
And You were the One who let it spill
So blessed be Your Holy Name
If You never fill it up again"

Hallelujah